(God, don’t––)

I can’t stop Cried innumerable (∞) times today thinking about how it will end. Well, not exactly how, but that it will. End. She’s my first so I can’t help but believe there’s bound to be others but Had two (2) panic attacks today that just sounds fucking exhausting. Having to get to know another someone and talk to them and spend time with them and tell them all about my insecurities and fears and navigate Walked aimlessly for seven (7) hours running away from another awkward firsts, seconds, and thirds before moving on to the slightly less awkward fourths and having to open up to them and Broke down in public three (3) times share my world with them and being all too afraid of leaning on someone other than myself but Called my friends eight (8) times because I didn’t trust myself to be alone falling anyway because I realized the gnawing feeling in my stomach and the burning in my chest isn’t anxiety but the rush of adrenaline fueled by the beginnings of love but My wrists itched innumerable (∞) times today love is so fucking scary and sometimes I don’t even know if My heart skipped twelve (12) beats it’s real like how can a human find joy in Thought about disappearing eighteen (18) times every single part of another human, be inspired by even the things they hate. What are the odds that a human can understand Heard the words “take care of yourself” innumerable (∞) times as if I haven’t tried everything about another human. What are the odds that there’s another human who can understand me like I haven’t tried her. Probably slim to none because I’m messy as hell and Drove recklessly five (5) times entirely fucked up and I know we all are because we’re all human but Thought about how I’m so cold twenty-two (22) times I think she might be my human because my fuckedupness fits so Broke myself irreparably nine (9) times perfectly well with hers but I can’t stop thinking about how what if my fuckery decides to evolve and instead of attacking me it turns on the people I love and by people, I think I mean just her and by love, I think I mean almost Forgot how to breathe fifteen (15) times. What if our messes stop colliding into a masterpiece and become a Thought about implosions four (4) times and what happens to the things around it catastrophic collision of peril and destruction that doesn’t extend beyond the endless merging of our two separate worlds. What if the merger comes to an end and Thought about pulling the knife eight (8) times we’ve exhausted every topic, every touch, every word and we know all there is to know about me and her and instead of being proud of our extensive knowledge we both get bored. What if I panic and let my anxiety take over and I shake things up in a desperate attempt to please her but my chaotic good turns to chaotic evil and tremors too violent pass through and everything we had falls through the cracks as our shared world splits back in twoTried to stop the hurt innumerable (∞) times but it keeps getting worse  except my world won’t stop splitting because I can’t stop thinking about how I could’ve stopped the end if I had just stopped obsessing over how It’s winter so no one would question my long sleeves it would end. Well, not exactly how, but that it would.